15 Days.

Welcome back!

So, theres 15 days until I move out of my house and into a college dorm room about an hour and a half away. Now some of you may be thinking that this isn’t very far, and I will be fine but my brain is not rational like that.

I will be the first one to admit I am a mommy and daddy’s girl. I haven’t been away from them for more than a week. They are my best friends and I am really nervous about leaving them. Not only that, but they have been with me and been my support system every step of the way in my journey to figure out my mental health. Leaving them makes me think I will completely “relapse” and fall into the hole again. Rational Alyssa knows that I will be fine, and that I can do this BUT Irrational Alyssa only thinks about every possible thing that could go wrong.

I know that this will be good for me, and if you asked me today I would tell you I am super excited! I went shopping at Target and bought a lot of cute things for the dorm; so today I’m excited. Now, if you ask me tomorrow it may be a different story. Everyday is different in my head.

To be honest, when I picture college, I do not picture parties and making friends– as a normal teenage girl would. Instead, when I picture my first night in college– it is me sitting on my bed crying all night. Begging to go home. How pathetic, right?!?! Rational Alyssa knows that this is ridiculous and not going to happen at all. But Irrational Alyssa scoffs at Rational Alyssa and says “bitch, what do you know?” Most days Irrational Alyssa speaks a lot louder than Rational Alyssa. (NO I do NOT have MPD:)

I’m more than lucky to have my best friend and cousin as a roommate. I can’t even express how much knowing my roommate has dwindled my anxiety down. We are so excited to do this together, and I am beyond happy to know she’s there for me. Of course I know my family is a phone call away, and if I really need to go home– it’s only an hour and a half. Rational Alyssa sees 90 minutes but Irrational Alyssa sees 3 days.

Another worry about college is the fact I have grueling social anxiety. Costco used to give me panic attacks because of all the people. LOL! But medicine has helped that some, but there still are situations that make me really anxious. Not knowing people around me scares the shit out of me, to be honest. Kiana thinks I’m joking when I tell her we are going everywhere together, but little does she know I’m 100% not joking. Rational Alyssa wants to make friends, get out and find new people and build a new me! But Irrational Alyssa wants to sit in the dorm, read a book, and look at pictures of my cat.

Let me tell you about Charlie and Daisy. My whole world. (yes, they’re my cats.) You know therapy pets? The ones people have to help calm down others when they are freaking out, (whether a panic attack or whatever else)? Thats what Charlie and Daisy are to me–without the fancy training and vest. I will tell you until I’m blue in the face that they know when I’m upset. One of them will come to my room and lay on my chest and purr until I fall asleep. It’s science that cat’s purrs makes people feel better. And I’m sorry, but Kiana just isn’t going to cut it. She won’t quite fit on my chest, and I don’t know how well she can purr. Charlie and Daisy are seriously one of the things I will miss the most. Hands down. They have been with me through everything, just as my family. Welcome to my life; Separation Anxiety 101.

(Just a side note, General Hospital is a horrible show. @Kiana)

So like I said, today I’m excited but tomorrow is a different day. I have to take everyday one at a time! Please don’t tell me, “You’ll be alright,” or “Don’t be so worried,” or whatever else you may think will help cheer me up. I seriously appreciate the effort, but that doesn’t help. Rational Alyssa tells Irrational Alyssa those things daily, but she doesn’t listen. If I can’t listen to myself, it’s hard as hell to listen to others. I hope you understand. 🙂 The best thing you can do for me, is to tell me you’ll be there for me. ❤ I appreciate all of you.

Until next time–

xoxo

First Things First.

Hello, and welcome to my blog!

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I love writing. 🙂

I think it is my best choice to start off this blog with my explanation, purpose, background, validation, and whatever else comes to my mind.

I’ll start with my explanation. This is a blog about what I have been through while fighting depression, and anxiety. I feel as though sharing my story will not only help others see that they aren’t alone, but also help me express myself. I guess we both win.. in theory.

I intend to talk about my day to day life and what I do, or have done to help cope with my mental illness… whatever else crosses my mind. Usually I think about a blog idea at about 12 am, which is the time right now. I hope that if I can help one person in any way, that my story and struggle with be worth it. I feel as though what I have gone through, can help others realize that its okay to have powers. (I’m going to call depression/anxiety “powers” because I hate the stigma behind the “mental illness” people often jump to conclusions.) Having these powers is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes telling your story can be the key to someone else’s lock they are trying to bust out of. I also want people to understand depression isn’t being sad, or “emo,” sometimes its the happiest people who are struggling the most.

ANYWAY. I’ll get started with my background, and why you should listen to me.

It started when I was in middle school. I constantly felt ran down, no energy, felt alone, blah blah blah. Pretty much what every teenager goes through when they are reaching puberty and middle school years. I didn’t realize at the time that what I was feeling wouldn’t go away. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy like those other kids– which I still struggle with today, honestly– but in middle school it made no sense to me. I didn’t have the courage to tell my mom what I had been feeling. Of course, I looked up online what it meant to be sad all the time, and took a few online quizzes and diagnosed myself. (I HIGHLY recommend you never do this– with any ailment you think you may have.) I really didn’t know how to tell her. Around other people, I had always been the funny ones. Cracking jokes, making others laugh. I thought she wouldn’t believe me, and tell me I was overreacting. But when I finally worked up the courage to tell her, she was awesome about it. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing family who will always support me. I didn’t actually end up telling her until my freshman year when things seemed to drop lower. I figured it was time that something was done. We went to my normal doctor, and when we started talking– I instantly broke down. Right then and there I realized this wasn’t something I could deal with on my own– I needed help.

Getting help was the best decision I have ever made. It saved my life. I can honestly sit here and say I would not be here if I wouldn’t have made that first step by telling someone what I was going through. It’s okay to not be okay.

Ever since then, I was referred to a psychologist who would really be able to help me out and get me headed in the right direction. They started me on medicine right away, which seemed to help a little bit.

Let me tell you a little bit about medication. I, still to this day, struggle with taking my medication. I HATE relying on medicine to make me happy, or normal. But I have to tell myself that its okay to use medicine. Someone with high cholesterol has to rely on medicine to keep them alive, just as I have relied on my medicine to keep me going. Never be ashamed to be on medicine– there’s always a chance you won’t have to be on it forever. You can learn to cope with your powers without using medicine. But my medicine has been a huge battle. Trying to find the right stuff, the kind that worked the best, the right dosage, and everything else, was a huge hassle. To this day, my medicine keeps changing while I try to find myself and be the happiest I can be. No two people are the same, and no one will react the same to every medicine. It takes time and patience to get the correct dosage, and really begin your road to recovery.

I just graduated from high school in May, so I have been dealing with my powers for about 6 years. I went through a lot of crap my high school years, and you couldn’t give me a million dollars to go back and do it again, but I made it through. My stories about high school are for a different day, because that’s not the point. The point is that I survived. I’m here to tell you that you can get through anything.

Now, I’ll tell you right now that I’m not a doctor (obviously), I don’t know everything, I just know what I’ve been through. What you’re going through may not be the exact same, but if one thing helps you through a small bump in your road, it makes it all worth it. I truly believe everything I have gone through has lead me here– to help others. I’ve been through hell, and I don’t want anyone else to go through the same.

Lastly, I’ll tell you about my name– I chose the name “My story isn’t over” because of a movement called the “Semicolon Movement.” A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but continued going. Just like life, it could have ended but I continued to keep going. Someone commits suicide every 6 seconds– which is a terrifying statistic. Check out the website about the movement for anymore questions. http://www.projectsemicolon.com

Your story isn’t over, its just beginning. Stay strong. You can do this.

Until next time. ❤

xoxo

Below, I put the suicide hotline link for everyone. You can live chat with anyone, or simply call the number to talk to someone. It’s a great way to talk to someone without judgement, and just get reassurance you matter. Always remember you matter.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

“Even your toughest days are only 24 hours.”