My decision to take a year off.

Hey guys,

I’ll be honest, it has been a rough year.

I have learned a lot about myself. Something that I have learned for sure, is that I’m still not healthy. My brain is still out of balance, and I’m still struggling to get everything evened out. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Medicine helps balance out those chemicals, but finding the right combinations is a long process. I have been trying to find the right combination for many years now, and it does get frustrating. I have had so many ups and downs. Some days are better than others, but everyday is a new battle.

College has been a whole different ball game. Being pushed out into the real world, and it’s pretty much sink or swim. To say the least, I am not swimming. I need some floaties, and some days a lifeguard to help me get through the deep end. (Wow, that was a good analogy I’ll have to remember that).

To put it in most simple terms, I cannot wait for it to be over. If there is one thing I know now, it’s that I suck at school. Like honestly, I’m just not good at school. I’m not stupid, but my grades are crap. There are days I literally can’t drag my ass to class– a lot of days to be honest. When you have a mental illness, even the everyday things can become a chore. Most people don’t think twice about getting up and taking a shower, but there are some days that I just can’t do it. But that’s okay, because it’s just how I am. I’m just different.

So, since it’s been a rough year, I’m going to take a year off. I already signed a lease for a house so I’ll still be living an hour and a half away from home, but that’s fine. I have a great job here, and home is just a hop and a skip (or two) away. I love my job and my co-workers. I am truly so lucky to look forward to going to work everyday. But also with the living in an apartment, and many other bills that will come this next year– that is an entire stress itself. (Side note- One of the bigger stressors for many people in college, including myself, is money. “Poor college student” is no joke.)

Look, some people will hear that I’m taking a year off from school and they will say, “I knew she couldn’t do” “I can’t believe she’s doing this” “Just get over it” … and so on and so forth. Well I do not want it to be this way more than the next person. Of course I want to be able to go to college like a normal kid my age, but that’s just not what’s best for me. I need to take care of myself. I have to fix myself before I can focus on anything else. I didn’t think I could do this either, and I wish I could just get over it. That’s not how this works. I’m glad it’s me, and no one else. I would rather go through this than watch someone else go through it and me not be able to do anything about it. I’d rather it be me, than you.

I’m disappointed, because I thought I could do it. I thought I could do this, but alas I cannot. I am trying to be okay with that, and it will be okay. You can be disappointed in me too, that’s okay, but I have to do this– for me. School is a lot to handle. There is very high expectations going in, and I feel as though I am not living up to it. But I can fix that later. College is hard, I won’t lie. Trying to juggle everything gets tricky. I honestly envy those who breeze through college and get good grades. And as of now, I have to put my goal of being a teacher on the back burner because my GPA isn’t high enough to get into the college of education. That is a thing to worry about later. Grades can always be raised, it may take some work, but someday I may be able to teach.

School is not my priority right now, and many people may not agree with that. I have my whole life to go to school, but it means nothing if I won’t be here to use the education. Unfortunately, there are some people who didn’t think this way– and didn’t make it here. It hurts my heart to think about suicide, but it’s so real. It happens everywhere, all the time. It happened twice this school year, just on my campus.

If there is one thing I want to do in my life, it is to help people like me. I don’t want people to suffer through this illness like I have. I want to help them get on top of it, and make sure they make their mind as healthy as possible. No one should feel as though they have no option but to kill themselves. Yes– I said it. “Kill themselves” “Suicide” Those words should not be seen as curse words. People become very uncomfortable when you use those terms or words. I want to make it an open topic. Something that everyone talks about openly, and does not feel afraid to talk to someone about it. These feelings are real. Your emotions are valid. It’s okay to not be okay. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do– your brain has a mind of it’s own. (HAHA;)

I am SO lucky to have so many people in my corner. It’s more than a corner because all the people can’t fit. It’s a whole room of people, and I am more than thankful for that. I would not be here if it wasn’t for you. I say that all the time, but it’s true. I truly am so thankful to have people who will support me no matter what.

I want everyone to help me out.

Parents– talk to your kids. Tell them if they ever have depressing feelings, it’s okay and important to talk to someone about it. Here’s something you could say to your child; “If you ever feel really sad, I want you to tell me. I don’t want you to cry alone. I will just sit there and listen anytime you need me. I am here for you, and I always will be.”  Friends– if you see your friend suffering, tell someone. They may be too afraid to talk to someone themselves. Something you could say to an adult, “Alyssa has been acting different recently. She says she’s okay but I know she isn’t. I just want someone to truly make sure she’s okay. I’m worried about her.”  Teachers– make your classroom a safe place. Make students feel comfortable talking to you. You won’t connect with every student, but those that you do will make a huge difference. Something you could say to your students; “School affects everyone differently, and if you are struggling with anything please come and talk to me. I will make accommodations– but I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what’s going on. This is a safe place.” Bystander– You are just as important. You may not be friends with the person, or see them very often but if you suspect something is wrong it is better to be safe than sorry. Something you could say to an adult; “I have noticed that Alyssa has been acting a little reclusive recently, and I’m worried about her. I just wanted to tell someone so they could talk to her and make sure she’s okay.” You– talk to someone. Anyone. Doesn’t matter who. Ask for help. Reach out. Do something. It may be a parent, a friend, a teacher, ANYONE. I will say it until I’m blue in the face– get help. The conversation doesn’t have to be hard. It can be as simple as, “Mom, I need to see a therapist.” or “Dad, can we talk? I’ve just been feeling really shitty recently and I don’t know what to do.” or “Hey I just need someone to listen to me for a little bit.” It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Yes, it’s hard to reach out, but it’s the best decision you will make.


So please, friends, help me out. Make this known this is a problem. This is real. This is here. I am a living, breathing example. Some people don’t get this lucky.

Until next time,





normal |ˈnôrməladjective

1. conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

Normal is a word that I have never and will never use to describe myself.


Normal 8th graders do not have to ask your doctor why they are so sad all the time.

Normal freshmen do not have to talk to a therapist.

Normal sophomores do not have to take medication every morning.

Normal juniors do not think about suicide.

Normal seniors do not read a book a day just to take their mind off the world.

But college–– 

Normal students do not sit in their dorms, shaking, trying to think of what words to type.

                                   do not sleep more hours than they are awake.

                                   do not get paralyzed with fear when thinking about school.

                                   do not go to the pharmacy nearly once a week to get drugs.

                                   do not have to go to emergency counseling sessions when it gets bad.

                                   do not hope no one sees them in the student health clinic.

                                   do not have to worry about remember to take meds.. twice a day.

                                   do not avoid anything social at any cost.

                                   do not talk about anything but their problems.

                                   do not stay in bed all day just because you cannot get up.

                                   do not spend all their money because retail therapy is a real thing.

                                   do not have to jump through loop holes to donate plasma.

                                   do not ever want to step foot in a bar.

                                   do not shake at the sight of a bad grade, but do nothing about it.

                                   do not get heart palpitations thinking about losing their family.

                                   do not get nervous around 8th graders.

                                   do not worry about when the next panic attack will be.

                                   do not have mothers who are constantly worried about them.

                                   do not have days where they are just lucky to be alive.

                                   do not have to thank someone who saved your life– from yourself.

                                   do not call their mom every free minute of the day.

                                   do not understand how someone’s mother could be their best friend.

                                   do not tell people to go away when you actually want them to stay.

                                   do not shake at the thought of the future.

                                   do not wonder if they will make it to the future.

                                   do not wish to not wake up.

                                   do not encounter racing thoughts.

                                   do not write a suicide note.

                                   do not live with major depression.

                                   do not live with crippling anxiety.

                                   do not live inside a mind that wants to die & a body that wants to live.


                                   do not realize how lucky they are.



I have or do deal with everything above.

I am not normal, and I am reminded of that everyday. I am envious of everyone who can go through the day without a bad thought. Or who can go a day without taking medications. Or… just live. 

I know what you are all going to say, so let me do it for you… “You’re normal, Alyssa!” “You’re fine the way you are!” “You don’t need to be normal!” …and so on…

But here is what I say to you– walk in my shoes for one day and you will see. A comment on a post on Facebook will not be the thing that cures me or changes the way that I am. I know that it’s okay to be this way, but it does NOT make it any easier to deal with. I understand this is how I am and I need to get used to it, but it does NOT make it any easier to deal with.

It’s been a rough year, I won’t lie. But I’m here. I’m breathing. Some days are better than others, but each day is another day that I am proving myself wrong.

until next time,



Don’t you dare.


Don’t you dare say happiness is a choice. Do you honestly think we want to be like this? Do you think we choose to be depressed? If you think someone chooses to be depressed you are ignorant. If I could just choose to be happy, I would. But that’s not how depression works.

Don’t you dare say suicide is selfish. What is selfish is saying it’s selfish. People don’t commit suicide to die, they commit suicide to escape the misery and depression. They are not selfish for feeling like suicide is the only option.

Don’t you dare tell someone to “Get over it.” Again, that’s not how depression works. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Would you tell someone with diabetes to “get over it?” Hell no you wouldn’t. Depression is a MEDICAL CONDITION and not a choice. There is no way to just “get over” a problem that is rooted in your brain.

Don’t you dare blame yourself for someone else’s suicide. You are not the reason. Like I said before, it’s a medical condition. Don’t put yourself in that position, because there’s nothing you can do about it now.

Don’t you dare pretend this doesn’t happen. This happens everywhere. Every 40 seconds someone commits suicide. Why are people so ignorant to this? Why don’t people understand this is real. This is here. This is all around you.

Don’t you dare turn a blind eye to someone who is struggling. The worst thing you can do is pretend you don’t see it. If you even have a suspicion someone is struggling.  GET THEM HELP.

Don’t you dare listen to someone when they say there are fine, when you know for a fact they aren’t. They are just telling you they are okay. They really aren’t. They don’t want to be a burden or make you worry. But they need help, they are begging for help just not with words.

Don’t you dare make fun of someone’s coping methods. Some people sleep, like me. When I’m upset, I sleep to escape the feeling. Let them do it. If it helps, it’s worth it. The only time to worry is if they are harming themselves in some way, then you have to take action.

Don’t you dare take suicidal thoughts lightly. If you or someone around you is showing symptoms of suicidal thoughts, get. them. help. I will say it again, GET THEM HELP.

Don’t you dare think the world will be a better place without you. The sun will still shine, and the world will continue to spin, but it will never be the same without you. Think about your family, your friends, your classmates, your teachers, anyone. You are not alone.

Don’t you dare think you are alone. You are never alone. Other people are struggling, and there is help out there for you. Someone will help you. Someone will talk to you. Someone will understand. Someone will be there for you. Please remember, you are not alone.

Don’t you dare think suicide is the only option. It’s not. There are ways to get past this. There are resources. There are people. There are so many other options. Please, don’t end your life. This will get better.

Don’t ever think you are weak. Or taking medicine isn’t okay. MEDICINE HAS SAVED MY LIFE. I hate that therapists try to fix people without medicine, when medicine will help. Sure, you can come off of it eventually, but it could save your life. Someone with a heart condition takes medicine to save their life, and the same idea applies to you. If it saves your life, never feel wrong for taking it.

Don’t you dare isolate yourself. And believe me, this is HARD. I struggle with this, too. You want to be alone, and stay by yourself, but that’s not what to do. You have to surround yourself with people. People who care. People who will hug you when you need it, and who will do anything to help you. There are SO many people who will do this for you, you just have to be willing to do it. Do not push them away, you need help and that’s okay.

Don’t you dare think this is a phase that will go away on its own. If this has been going on for a while, it’s not going to get better on its own. If anything, it could get worse. There are resources everywhere. Reaching out is the hardest part. Hands down. But it could turn your life around completely. You can’t do this alone, and that’s alright. It’s okay to need someone to lean on.

I want nothing more than for people to realize this is real. This isn’t something that just happens in books or something you see on TV. This has happened TWICE at my school since August. Seeing all people here distraught and bawling is horrible. Seeing teachers break down in class is unforgettable. Being at a candlelight vigil is not where I wanted to be on a Thursday night, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I hope he was looking down at all those people there, and seeing who cared. So many care. Kyle and Katie are finally at peace, and happy.

I hope this opened your eyes. I hope this shed some light on this issue. This IS an issue. This is a problem. This is an epidemic. This is happening all around us. Please, help me spread the word. Don’t you dare ignore the facts. Don’t you dare fail to educate others. It could SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE.

Until next time,


Week 6.

Hi guys,

I thought it was time to update you on my college experience thus far–

It’s been far more than anything I expected. But in a good way!

I am happier than I have been in a long time.

I am nowhere near where I need to be, but THANK GOD I’m not where I used to be.

As I’m sure you all understand, some days are harder than others. Some days it’s hard just to get out of bed, but I’ve been going and pushing forward.

At first, it was hard to be away from home and it still is but it has got a lot better. I talk to my family every day which is so comforting, and I have been home a few times. I am so lucky to have the family that I do. I still miss home and eating dinner as a family, but I am doing okay up here! I really am. 🙂

As you know from my last post, there was a tragic event here that just hit too close to home. A young girl committed suicide in the building next to mine, and it was devastating to hear about. That was a hard week. It was hard knowing someone felt there was no way out and that was the only option. It was hard seeing everyone else upset. It was hard thinking about what he family was going through. It was hard. It still is hard.

Suicide is scary because there can be a chain effect– one person’s choices can trigger someone else that has been thinking about it. After the accident, I had 2 people reach out to me for help. One of the situations resulted in me calling my resident assistant at 12 am to check on someone in the dorms– everything turned out okay. I’m so glad I can be there for those people who need help.

One of the hardest things in college right now is coming to the realization that I am not as good at school as I was in high school. I can’t just go to class and take the tests– I have to put in the time and effort. You’re probably thinking, “Duh Alyssa, that’s how college works. You should have expected it.” Well, I did, but not to this extent.

My first test I failed. Miserably. Not just sort of failed it, but horrifically failed it. I felt defeated. I still do, but it’s better. But let me tell ya what, this was a wake-up call. Like, I have to DO this. I can’t just do this. The saying you have to put in 2 hours outside of class for every hour in class– is realistic.

I had a very serious meeting with my professor about what I should do. I contemplated hard if I should withdraw from the class– that’s how bad it is. After meeting with her, I think I will be able to pass the class. At this point, passing is all I really need to do at this point.

So, like I said, WAKE UP CALL TO THE MAX.

But I also nap nearly every day. I recommend making time in the schedule for “me” time, and my “me” time is napping. It’s great. A lot of people give me crap for sleeping all the time, but they don’t understand it helps keep me sane. I am not a happy camper when I am tired (don’t worry, I napped today;)

Another huge thing I am struggling with is money. I never understood “college kid poor” until I became a college kid. I am so poor! At one point, I had less than 2 dollars in my bank account. Yeah, WOW!

It was hard because I have always had money I could spend on whatever I want. I had a job all through high school so the money I made went to whatever I wanted! But here, it’s different. I spent a lot of money on things I needed and there was no money left to spend on whatever I wanted. My mom can tell you first hand, I had a MELTDOWN. I went home for the weekend and needed gas to be able to get back. Of course, my parents helped me out, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that I was so careless that I let that happen. I can tell you that right now it won’t happen again.

So now, I am much smarter with my money….. okay well maybe a little smarter!! 🙂 I’m still a teenage girl with an insane obsession with Amazon and shoes. 🙂

But honestly, I’m doing okay. I am not crying every night like I thought I would. I am making friends. I am doing so much better than I even imagined. I’m so lucky to be surrounded by the people I am.

I will try to keep my blog updated more often; before now I haven’t really had the words to say what has been going on. I can tell you now that it has been good.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read,

Until next time,



No words.

There are no words for this feeling.

No words to explain what the family must be feeling.

No words to express what the friends must be going through.

This is hard. Hard for everyone. We are all hurting with the friends and family.

This is me asking you to get help.




I’m begging you.

Seek help.

Talk to someone.

Tell someone what you are feeling.


There is help.

There is hope.

There is love.

There is support.

There is change.

There is life.


Today may be a bad day. But today only lasts 24 hours. Tomorrow is a brand new day, and you are going to make it through this. You can do this. You are strong.

When you feel like you can’t keep going, remember this:

You. Are. Worth. It.

I will say this over and over again until I am blue in the face. You may feel worthless. You may feel you have no part in this world, but you do. Think about the kids in your class that you sit next to every day. Think about your family, and how happy they are to hear from you when you call or text. Think about your friends, and how you laugh constantly whenever you are together. Think about the person you passed walking to class and the smile you gave them. Think about your sibling and how they will always love you unconditionally. Think about your pets that snuggle with you every night. Think about everything in your life that make you who you are.

You are an important part of your own life. Your life is a story that only you can tell. Your story is unique. Your story could be the key to unlock someone else’s hell.

The hardest part of this for me is wishing I could have done something. If only I could have known, I would have tried to help.

So, this is me asking for help.

Help to spread awareness.

Help to get people to understand this isn’t something that just happens in books and movies. This is something that happens in everyday life to everyday people.

Help to change someone’s life.

Help to turn this around.

Help me help others.

Tell someone you love them and they matter.

You matter. You are worth the recovery.

We’ll see you tomorrow.

Until next time,



Hello friends,

I’m going to use this post to talk about two things. First and foremost, I’m in my college dorm right now! This is so surreal. I honestly can’t believe this day is here and I’m beginning the rest of my life. It’s terrifying to know this is where I will call home for the next several months, but now that I’m here I know I can do this. I am ready for this change.

Of course I miss my family more than anything and it kills me to be away from home but I need this. I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone and put myself out there.

This will bring me into the main idea of this post.


I’m recovering from a hard few years. I am for sure no where near where I need to be but THANK GOD I am not where I used to be. I think sometimes people like to turn a blind eye to the fact about how bad depression can get. This is not a joke. This is nothing to mess around with. If someone tells you they are considering suicide, tell someone immediately. It’s so so so so so so so SO SO SO so so so so important to help that person get help. You honestly don’t realize how one person can honestly save a life.

Depression drags you into depths you never thought possible. I was in a deep deep hole and I didn’t think I would ever come out. But here I am today, starting the rest of my life. Of course I still deal with all the repercussions, but here I am. I’m alive. I’m breathing. To be brutally honest, I didn’t know if I would make it here. But I am proving a lot of people wrong (including myself) and I am ready to take on this life.

I will never be “normal.” I will never be able to be off medicine. I will never not feel anxious in group settings. I will never not have bad days. I will always be like this, but I am so much better than I used to be.

I had to decide I was worth the recovery. I had to tell myself my life is worth living.

Every 6 seconds someone commits suicide. SIX SECONDS.

I am in recovery. I am starting to get better than I was.

It’s choosing to change. It’s deciding to believe tomorrow will be better than today. I love love love the quote, “even your hardest days are 24 hours.” That just helps remind myself that tomorrow is a new start. I had to make the decision to recover, because if I didn’t I would not be good. I am so lucky to have people who have supported me. I will tell you right now one of the best things you can do if you are depressed is simply to talk to someone. Sometimes just getting it off your chest and crying it out will make you feel better. No, it will not make the pain go away or fix anything. But it can help ease the pain. Especially if you talk to someone who knows what you are feeling. It’s hard to talk to those who don’t understand. If someone feels comfortable enough with you to come to you about something like this, tread lightly.

This is what I suggest to those who don’t understand;

Don’t try! You will never truly understand until you go through it yourself. You can listen to us talk for hours and hours but you will never know what we are feeling. You will only know  what we tell you. Don’t tell us you understand when you don’t. Don’t tell us it will be okay when you don’t know that. Empathy vs Sympathy is by biggest thing. Don’t ever feel sorry for us, just be there for us. If we are trying to recover, and get better we do not want to be felt sorry for. We are doing this for us because our life is worth living.

They always say admitting your problem is the first step to recovery but it’s true. Reaching out and telling someone what you are feeling is the best way to get on the road to recovery.

My road is really long. I’ve come far, but I have a long way to go. But that’s okay! I’m on a long road paved with good intentions.

So here’s to the rest of my life and beginning college. Today a speaker told us that these aren’t the best 4 years of our lives, but they are the first 4 years of our lives. I am worth the recovery. I am worth the time. I am worth the space. I AM WORTH IT. AND YOU ARE TOO. Please please please talk to me if you ever need anything. I have been through a lot. So please feel free to talk to me. Even if I don’t 100% understand what you are feeling, I will always be here to listen to anything you need to get off your chest and offer you the help you need.

Until next time–


Above I posted a link to what are called Pure Vida Bracelets. I ordered like 6 of them. (Thanks, Skylar for showing me:) These bracelets are amazing. They are hand made in Costa Rica and creating so many jobs for people down there. The best part is each bracelet you buy out of the charity section gets donated to the designated fund. In the link, the depression, and suicide awareness ones are on that if you were interested.

Also, September 10th is Suicide Awareness Day as well as Suicide Awareness Week that week, and everyone should check out this blog and buy the shirt to support it. Or simply wear orange that day/week to show your support. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

3 Days.

Well, the day is almost here..

In a few days I start a whole new journey.

“Are you excited?”

Here’s my answer.

I’m ready. I’m just ready to go. There has been so much build up and so much anticipation that I’m just ready to move in and get it over with. I really have no idea how I will feel about it until after I get up there and get settled.

This is a terrifying switch. In these last few days, I’m trying to spend time with my family… and my cats. Well, right now Daisy and I are in a fight because she insists on walking on my book shelf and this morning she knocked my books off. So we are fighting.

I think I have said this before, but I have never been away from home for more than a week. This is a life style change! For almost every college student, this starts a whole new life. It begins a time where they figure out how to be away from home.

Somedays I am excited. Somedays I am terrified. Somedays I am not ready. Somedays I wish it was sooner.

I’m trying to cram a lot into these last few days. Hanging out with people before I head out, spending time with family as much as I can, packing, sleeping, eating. Whatever else!

I heard somewhere you’re not supposed to come home for 7 weeks after you move in, but I’ll tell you right now that isn’t going to happen. I want to watch my brother play football, I want to be able to have family dinner, just because I’m moving out, doesn’t mean I need to miss out on everything.

The 2 most reassuring things that I have are, Kiana and knowing thousands of other college students are feeling the same way I am. Kiana is my saving grace. Honestly, if I didn’t have her, I’m not sure you could drag me to college.

We have matching bedding, and cute signs, and we are getting matching tattoos. Everyone keeps saying, “Be prepared to hate her by the end of this,” but no way!!! She can’t hate me!! She’s family 🙂 I already bought the table for our future apartment (picture attached)


yes that’s a table and it’s the coolest thing ever. I bought it at the Emporium in West Branch if you’re looking for something like that! 🙂

I really don’t know what else to say other than I’m glad to know there are other people who feel this way too. A lot of students are thinking “holy shit, this is the real world.” This is a time of transition for all of us, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Believe me, there are still days I feel alone but in the end I know I’m not. Kiana is tough, she will remind me I’m being stupid when I tell her I wanna cry. “Suck it up you’re fine.” 😉

I’ll be able to tell you a lot more on Thursday night after I have spent a night and day there.  I have no idea how I will feel at that point. (Probably hot because no air conditioning)

I’m just so excited to go and start this adventure, but I am terrified of what the future hold.

My next post I will tell you my future plans. The reason I’m going through all this and where I hope to be someday!

Thanks for all the support,

Until next time–


Self Image.

Self Image.

This is a huge problem for our society. Many people (including myself) struggle with this. Often people look in the mirror and point out all the flaws that they see in themselves.

Too many freckles. Frizzy hair. Flat hair. Glasses. Extra skin. Wide shoulders. Big hands.

The list goes on forever. I guarantee if I asked you to look in the mirror and tell me something about yourself, the first thing you would tell me is something negative. Most people have such a negative connotation about themselves.

When I was going through my roughest times, I found myself eating. A lot of people go through this same thing.. It’s a human thing. Stress eating is so great– or not. I had always been thin. People always commented on how flat my stomach was. I really didn’t even notice I had gained wait until 40 pounds later. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not obese but I am not as thin as I used to be. It would be beneficial to lose a couple pounds. So that’s what I’m doing! I’m doing Farrell’s eXtreme Body Shaping. (*Disclaimer*: I am in no way trying to sell Farrell’s or talk you into doing it. Nor am I trying to turn you away from it. I am simply telling my story.)

Anyway. I had been doing Farrell’s for 5 weeks, and I get asked about 10 times a day if I like it. I’m not sure I would use the word like. I really don’t enjoy working out everyday until I feel like throwing up. Yeah I feel better about myself afterwords, and I can tell I am getting results, but it sucks. Eating healthy is hard, but it’s going to be worth it. I know it.

(I promise this story is going to help make my point, I’m not just talking out my ass.)

But, my wise people from Farrell’s reminded me that this is a journey to form habits. After the end of my 10 week session, I won’t want to eat like crap anymore. I’m finally realizing how much better I feel when I eat healthy. How much more energy I have. I’m doing this journey for me. To help improve my self image. There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing results and knowing all the hard work is paying off. The small victories are the best. Noticing your pants are a little more lose is a great feeling.

I’m doing this for me. Because I deserve to feel good about myself again. I deserve to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. YOU DESERVE THAT TOO.

The moral of the story, is work on you. Do what it takes to be happy with what you see in the mirror. Realize that those small things you dislike about yourself can go away with a change in mentality. You have to embrace those things about yourself, because that’s what makes you, you! Those tiny imperfections make you perfect to someone. You are worth feeling good about yourself, even if it means changing your lifestyle.

Take the time to look in the mirror and accept yourself. Self image is 100% mental. You have to tell your brain that this is who you are and it’s not going to change. Sure, you can change things such as your weight, or your hair color, but your features will remain the same. Your personality is what makes you who you are, not what you see in the mirror.

Never pretend to be something you aren’t. Do not try to please others and change your personality. Please yourself, because this is your life. You are the one you have to live with everyday. The second you figure yourself out, accept you for who you are and quit pretending to be something you’re not, is when you will find peace with yourself.

If you wear sweatpants everyday, and don’t even own a pair of jeans; good for you! If you wear dresses everyday, and wouldn’t be caught dead in sweatpants; good for you! What you wear doesn’t define who you are. Personally, I am an advocate in jeans and a T-shirt. I strongly believe if someone truly likes me, they won’t care what I’m wearing. Clothes are superficial, personality is what makes someone fall in love.

Makeup is another huge topic when it comes to self image. I will be the first to tell you I feel better about myself when I’m wearing eyeliner and mascara but that’s all I wear. I have never been one to wear foundation or anything else but if you do that’s okay. Of course I want you to be happy with yourself without makeup on and embrace your bare face, but if wearing makeup makes you feel better about yourself, screw what anyone else says. Wear foundation and bright blue eyeshadow if you want too. This is your life, and you have to do what it takes to make yourself happy. If putting on makeup everyday makes you look in the mirror and be happy with what you see, it’s worth it. You should accept what you look like without it on, but it’s 100% okay to wear it. You can’t let other people’s opinion dictate what you do with your life, and with yourself. You have to do this for you. Many people think girls (or guys) wear makeup to please other people, but I bet if you asked anyone why they wear it, they do it for themselves.

You will never love someone else if you don’t love yourself first. Take the time to love you before you worry about finding someone else. The right person will come when it’s time, so until then work on yourself and being happy with who you are. You were made the way you are for a reason. Embrace every small imperfection. You are amazing.

Until next time–


13 Days.

Hello fellow readers,

My last two posts have had sort of a negative connotation but this one is going to be happy—er. 🙂

Instead of tell you all the reason I’m going to hate college, I’m going to share the reasons I’m actually going! Smart, huh?

Well let me start here with a little background. I went to a small school, most of you know this, my whole life. I graduated with 50 some. So, pretty small. All my years in high school, I thought I had the best friends a girl could ask for and at the time, they were exactly what I needed! Quickly after graduating I realized those people weren’t my “friends” they were there with me 5 or more days a week. People that I grew up with.. People that had to be around me. Honestly, the biggest thing I am so excited for is to find people who genuinely want to be around me. People who pick to hangout with me and are not forced to be with me all day everyday. It is one of the most mind-blowing thing that I will be around people who actually like my presence. I will have friends that like me for me and that is one of the most motivating things ever. I get to find my friends that will be in my life forever, and I can’t wait.

After spending so much time with the same people, you try to fit in. I realize now I spent a whole lot of time being someone I’m not to try to fit in. But, who hasn’t? I’m so excited to finally be myself in college. I’m so ready to finally figure out who I am, and not have to work to please anyone. I am on the road to discover myself, and its a beautiful road paved with diamonds but I know it will have its cracks and imperfections.

–you can tell I’m very metaphorical–

I can finally have independence. Believe me, it BLOWS my mind that in 2 short weeks I won’t have to ask my mom if I can go to a movie with my friend, or have a friend stay over. Please don’t get me wrong, I would not trade my parents for the world. They are just being great parents. They know, just as well as I do, is that I need this independence. I have relied on my family for so much throughout my whole life, this is the little push I need to finally figure things out for myself. Of course I will want to come home every weekend and see my family, but I know this is what I need. This is what is going to make the difference. (Don’t worry mom, I’ll text you everyday:)

It took me a while to finally figure out what I want to do with my future, but now that I know I can not WAIT to get started. I’m so ready to take classes that pertain to my future, not just classes to pass high school. Every class is one step closer to becoming a teacher and I cannot wait for that day. I know I will make a bad ass teacher, I’m just very impatient.

I’m just ready for this change in my life. Like I said before, I have been with the same people since diapers. I have loved my time with them, but its time for all of us to move on. We have made many great memories, but its time to go make new ones. I feel like I have been stuck in cement for the past few years and I’m finally freeing myself and taking my first steps on my own again. I am ready to find myself, and be who I know I am capable of being.

I know this change will be hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done– but I have to keep reminding myself that this is going to be worth it. I need this change. Maybe this will be the key to unlock so many things keeping my chained down. Who know what can happen. I have to really think about the positives. Clearly my list of the things I’m scared for is slightly longer than the reasons I’m excited– but this list reminds me why I’m doing this. I’m doing this for me, and no one else. I deserve a new start, and that’s exactly what I am getting on August 19th.

Until next time–


“You can’t start a new chapter in your life if you keep rereading the old one.”

15 Days.

Welcome back!

So, theres 15 days until I move out of my house and into a college dorm room about an hour and a half away. Now some of you may be thinking that this isn’t very far, and I will be fine but my brain is not rational like that.

I will be the first one to admit I am a mommy and daddy’s girl. I haven’t been away from them for more than a week. They are my best friends and I am really nervous about leaving them. Not only that, but they have been with me and been my support system every step of the way in my journey to figure out my mental health. Leaving them makes me think I will completely “relapse” and fall into the hole again. Rational Alyssa knows that I will be fine, and that I can do this BUT Irrational Alyssa only thinks about every possible thing that could go wrong.

I know that this will be good for me, and if you asked me today I would tell you I am super excited! I went shopping at Target and bought a lot of cute things for the dorm; so today I’m excited. Now, if you ask me tomorrow it may be a different story. Everyday is different in my head.

To be honest, when I picture college, I do not picture parties and making friends– as a normal teenage girl would. Instead, when I picture my first night in college– it is me sitting on my bed crying all night. Begging to go home. How pathetic, right?!?! Rational Alyssa knows that this is ridiculous and not going to happen at all. But Irrational Alyssa scoffs at Rational Alyssa and says “bitch, what do you know?” Most days Irrational Alyssa speaks a lot louder than Rational Alyssa. (NO I do NOT have MPD:)

I’m more than lucky to have my best friend and cousin as a roommate. I can’t even express how much knowing my roommate has dwindled my anxiety down. We are so excited to do this together, and I am beyond happy to know she’s there for me. Of course I know my family is a phone call away, and if I really need to go home– it’s only an hour and a half. Rational Alyssa sees 90 minutes but Irrational Alyssa sees 3 days.

Another worry about college is the fact I have grueling social anxiety. Costco used to give me panic attacks because of all the people. LOL! But medicine has helped that some, but there still are situations that make me really anxious. Not knowing people around me scares the shit out of me, to be honest. Kiana thinks I’m joking when I tell her we are going everywhere together, but little does she know I’m 100% not joking. Rational Alyssa wants to make friends, get out and find new people and build a new me! But Irrational Alyssa wants to sit in the dorm, read a book, and look at pictures of my cat.

Let me tell you about Charlie and Daisy. My whole world. (yes, they’re my cats.) You know therapy pets? The ones people have to help calm down others when they are freaking out, (whether a panic attack or whatever else)? Thats what Charlie and Daisy are to me–without the fancy training and vest. I will tell you until I’m blue in the face that they know when I’m upset. One of them will come to my room and lay on my chest and purr until I fall asleep. It’s science that cat’s purrs makes people feel better. And I’m sorry, but Kiana just isn’t going to cut it. She won’t quite fit on my chest, and I don’t know how well she can purr. Charlie and Daisy are seriously one of the things I will miss the most. Hands down. They have been with me through everything, just as my family. Welcome to my life; Separation Anxiety 101.

(Just a side note, General Hospital is a horrible show. @Kiana)

So like I said, today I’m excited but tomorrow is a different day. I have to take everyday one at a time! Please don’t tell me, “You’ll be alright,” or “Don’t be so worried,” or whatever else you may think will help cheer me up. I seriously appreciate the effort, but that doesn’t help. Rational Alyssa tells Irrational Alyssa those things daily, but she doesn’t listen. If I can’t listen to myself, it’s hard as hell to listen to others. I hope you understand. 🙂 The best thing you can do for me, is to tell me you’ll be there for me. ❤ I appreciate all of you.

Until next time–