Normal.

normal |ˈnôrməladjective

1. conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

Normal is a word that I have never and will never use to describe myself.

 

Normal 8th graders do not have to ask your doctor why they are so sad all the time.

Normal freshmen do not have to talk to a therapist.

Normal sophomores do not have to take medication every morning.

Normal juniors do not think about suicide.

Normal seniors do not read a book a day just to take their mind off the world.

But college–– 

Normal students do not sit in their dorms, shaking, trying to think of what words to type.

                                   do not sleep more hours than they are awake.

                                   do not get paralyzed with fear when thinking about school.

                                   do not go to the pharmacy nearly once a week to get drugs.

                                   do not have to go to emergency counseling sessions when it gets bad.

                                   do not hope no one sees them in the student health clinic.

                                   do not have to worry about remember to take meds.. twice a day.

                                   do not avoid anything social at any cost.

                                   do not talk about anything but their problems.

                                   do not stay in bed all day just because you cannot get up.

                                   do not spend all their money because retail therapy is a real thing.

                                   do not have to jump through loop holes to donate plasma.

                                   do not ever want to step foot in a bar.

                                   do not shake at the sight of a bad grade, but do nothing about it.

                                   do not get heart palpitations thinking about losing their family.

                                   do not get nervous around 8th graders.

                                   do not worry about when the next panic attack will be.

                                   do not have mothers who are constantly worried about them.

                                   do not have days where they are just lucky to be alive.

                                   do not have to thank someone who saved your life– from yourself.

                                   do not call their mom every free minute of the day.

                                   do not understand how someone’s mother could be their best friend.

                                   do not tell people to go away when you actually want them to stay.

                                   do not shake at the thought of the future.

                                   do not wonder if they will make it to the future.

                                   do not wish to not wake up.

                                   do not encounter racing thoughts.

                                   do not write a suicide note.

                                   do not live with major depression.

                                   do not live with crippling anxiety.

                                   do not live inside a mind that wants to die & a body that wants to live.

 

                                   do not realize how lucky they are.

 

 

I have or do deal with everything above.

I am not normal, and I am reminded of that everyday. I am envious of everyone who can go through the day without a bad thought. Or who can go a day without taking medications. Or… just live. 

I know what you are all going to say, so let me do it for you… “You’re normal, Alyssa!” “You’re fine the way you are!” “You don’t need to be normal!” …and so on…

But here is what I say to you– walk in my shoes for one day and you will see. A comment on a post on Facebook will not be the thing that cures me or changes the way that I am. I know that it’s okay to be this way, but it does NOT make it any easier to deal with. I understand this is how I am and I need to get used to it, but it does NOT make it any easier to deal with.

It’s been a rough year, I won’t lie. But I’m here. I’m breathing. Some days are better than others, but each day is another day that I am proving myself wrong.

until next time,

xoxo.

 

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