15 Days.

Welcome back!

So, theres 15 days until I move out of my house and into a college dorm room about an hour and a half away. Now some of you may be thinking that this isn’t very far, and I will be fine but my brain is not rational like that.

I will be the first one to admit I am a mommy and daddy’s girl. I haven’t been away from them for more than a week. They are my best friends and I am really nervous about leaving them. Not only that, but they have been with me and been my support system every step of the way in my journey to figure out my mental health. Leaving them makes me think I will completely “relapse” and fall into the hole again. Rational Alyssa knows that I will be fine, and that I can do this BUT Irrational Alyssa only thinks about every possible thing that could go wrong.

I know that this will be good for me, and if you asked me today I would tell you I am super excited! I went shopping at Target and bought a lot of cute things for the dorm; so today I’m excited. Now, if you ask me tomorrow it may be a different story. Everyday is different in my head.

To be honest, when I picture college, I do not picture parties and making friends– as a normal teenage girl would. Instead, when I picture my first night in college– it is me sitting on my bed crying all night. Begging to go home. How pathetic, right?!?! Rational Alyssa knows that this is ridiculous and not going to happen at all. But Irrational Alyssa scoffs at Rational Alyssa and says “bitch, what do you know?” Most days Irrational Alyssa speaks a lot louder than Rational Alyssa. (NO I do NOT have MPD:)

I’m more than lucky to have my best friend and cousin as a roommate. I can’t even express how much knowing my roommate has dwindled my anxiety down. We are so excited to do this together, and I am beyond happy to know she’s there for me. Of course I know my family is a phone call away, and if I really need to go home– it’s only an hour and a half. Rational Alyssa sees 90 minutes but Irrational Alyssa sees 3 days.

Another worry about college is the fact I have grueling social anxiety. Costco used to give me panic attacks because of all the people. LOL! But medicine has helped that some, but there still are situations that make me really anxious. Not knowing people around me scares the shit out of me, to be honest. Kiana thinks I’m joking when I tell her we are going everywhere together, but little does she know I’m 100% not joking. Rational Alyssa wants to make friends, get out and find new people and build a new me! But Irrational Alyssa wants to sit in the dorm, read a book, and look at pictures of my cat.

Let me tell you about Charlie and Daisy. My whole world. (yes, they’re my cats.) You know therapy pets? The ones people have to help calm down others when they are freaking out, (whether a panic attack or whatever else)? Thats what Charlie and Daisy are to me–without the fancy training and vest. I will tell you until I’m blue in the face that they know when I’m upset. One of them will come to my room and lay on my chest and purr until I fall asleep. It’s science that cat’s purrs makes people feel better. And I’m sorry, but Kiana just isn’t going to cut it. She won’t quite fit on my chest, and I don’t know how well she can purr. Charlie and Daisy are seriously one of the things I will miss the most. Hands down. They have been with me through everything, just as my family. Welcome to my life; Separation Anxiety 101.

(Just a side note, General Hospital is a horrible show. @Kiana)

So like I said, today I’m excited but tomorrow is a different day. I have to take everyday one at a time! Please don’t tell me, “You’ll be alright,” or “Don’t be so worried,” or whatever else you may think will help cheer me up. I seriously appreciate the effort, but that doesn’t help. Rational Alyssa tells Irrational Alyssa those things daily, but she doesn’t listen. If I can’t listen to myself, it’s hard as hell to listen to others. I hope you understand. 🙂 The best thing you can do for me, is to tell me you’ll be there for me. ❤ I appreciate all of you.

Until next time–

xoxo

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2 thoughts on “15 Days.

  1. Wow Alyssa ❤ This is so awesome. I read your recent post, but also your story. I have to tell you what a remarkable and inspirational young woman you are. I wish I had the insight and support you have found at such a young age. I have struggled with my own powers – all of my life. Thank you for owning your power and using it to help others. Best wishes for this new chapter in your life – I will be here for you 😉

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  2. You’re right. I can’t say anything that will make it all ok right now. But to be honest I know I’ll be sitting here ten months from now reading your post about how you’ve grown and learned so much and how you’re glad you were so brave to go off to school despite your worries. Not that it will have been easy, but that it will have been worth it.

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