Recovery.

Hello friends,

I’m going to use this post to talk about two things. First and foremost, I’m in my college dorm right now! This is so surreal. I honestly can’t believe this day is here and I’m beginning the rest of my life. It’s terrifying to know this is where I will call home for the next several months, but now that I’m here I know I can do this. I am ready for this change.

Of course I miss my family more than anything and it kills me to be away from home but I need this. I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone and put myself out there.

This will bring me into the main idea of this post.

Recovery.

I’m recovering from a hard few years. I am for sure no where near where I need to be but THANK GOD I am not where I used to be. I think sometimes people like to turn a blind eye to the fact about how bad depression can get. This is not a joke. This is nothing to mess around with. If someone tells you they are considering suicide, tell someone immediately. It’s so so so so so so so SO SO SO so so so so important to help that person get help. You honestly don’t realize how one person can honestly save a life.

Depression drags you into depths you never thought possible. I was in a deep deep hole and I didn’t think I would ever come out. But here I am today, starting the rest of my life. Of course I still deal with all the repercussions, but here I am. I’m alive. I’m breathing. To be brutally honest, I didn’t know if I would make it here. But I am proving a lot of people wrong (including myself) and I am ready to take on this life.

I will never be “normal.” I will never be able to be off medicine. I will never not feel anxious in group settings. I will never not have bad days. I will always be like this, but I am so much better than I used to be.

I had to decide I was worth the recovery. I had to tell myself my life is worth living.

Every 6 seconds someone commits suicide. SIX SECONDS.

I am in recovery. I am starting to get better than I was.

It’s choosing to change. It’s deciding to believe tomorrow will be better than today. I love love love the quote, “even your hardest days are 24 hours.” That just helps remind myself that tomorrow is a new start. I had to make the decision to recover, because if I didn’t I would not be good. I am so lucky to have people who have supported me. I will tell you right now one of the best things you can do if you are depressed is simply to talk to someone. Sometimes just getting it off your chest and crying it out will make you feel better. No, it will not make the pain go away or fix anything. But it can help ease the pain. Especially if you talk to someone who knows what you are feeling. It’s hard to talk to those who don’t understand. If someone feels comfortable enough with you to come to you about something like this, tread lightly.

This is what I suggest to those who don’t understand;

Don’t try! You will never truly understand until you go through it yourself. You can listen to us talk for hours and hours but you will never know what we are feeling. You will only know  what we tell you. Don’t tell us you understand when you don’t. Don’t tell us it will be okay when you don’t know that. Empathy vs Sympathy is by biggest thing. Don’t ever feel sorry for us, just be there for us. If we are trying to recover, and get better we do not want to be felt sorry for. We are doing this for us because our life is worth living.

They always say admitting your problem is the first step to recovery but it’s true. Reaching out and telling someone what you are feeling is the best way to get on the road to recovery.

My road is really long. I’ve come far, but I have a long way to go. But that’s okay! I’m on a long road paved with good intentions.

So here’s to the rest of my life and beginning college. Today a speaker told us that these aren’t the best 4 years of our lives, but they are the first 4 years of our lives. I am worth the recovery. I am worth the time. I am worth the space. I AM WORTH IT. AND YOU ARE TOO. Please please please talk to me if you ever need anything. I have been through a lot. So please feel free to talk to me. Even if I don’t 100% understand what you are feeling, I will always be here to listen to anything you need to get off your chest and offer you the help you need.

Until next time–

xoxo

https://www.puravidabracelets.com/conditions#?offset=0&limit=49

Above I posted a link to what are called Pure Vida Bracelets. I ordered like 6 of them. (Thanks, Skylar for showing me:) These bracelets are amazing. They are hand made in Costa Rica and creating so many jobs for people down there. The best part is each bracelet you buy out of the charity section gets donated to the designated fund. In the link, the depression, and suicide awareness ones are on that if you were interested.

Also, September 10th is Suicide Awareness Day as well as Suicide Awareness Week that week, and everyone should check out this blog and buy the shirt to support it. Or simply wear orange that day/week to show your support. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

https://twloha.com/blog/well-see-you-tomorrow/

3 Days.

Well, the day is almost here..

In a few days I start a whole new journey.

“Are you excited?”

Here’s my answer.

I’m ready. I’m just ready to go. There has been so much build up and so much anticipation that I’m just ready to move in and get it over with. I really have no idea how I will feel about it until after I get up there and get settled.

This is a terrifying switch. In these last few days, I’m trying to spend time with my family… and my cats. Well, right now Daisy and I are in a fight because she insists on walking on my book shelf and this morning she knocked my books off. So we are fighting.

I think I have said this before, but I have never been away from home for more than a week. This is a life style change! For almost every college student, this starts a whole new life. It begins a time where they figure out how to be away from home.

Somedays I am excited. Somedays I am terrified. Somedays I am not ready. Somedays I wish it was sooner.

I’m trying to cram a lot into these last few days. Hanging out with people before I head out, spending time with family as much as I can, packing, sleeping, eating. Whatever else!

I heard somewhere you’re not supposed to come home for 7 weeks after you move in, but I’ll tell you right now that isn’t going to happen. I want to watch my brother play football, I want to be able to have family dinner, just because I’m moving out, doesn’t mean I need to miss out on everything.

The 2 most reassuring things that I have are, Kiana and knowing thousands of other college students are feeling the same way I am. Kiana is my saving grace. Honestly, if I didn’t have her, I’m not sure you could drag me to college.

We have matching bedding, and cute signs, and we are getting matching tattoos. Everyone keeps saying, “Be prepared to hate her by the end of this,” but no way!!! She can’t hate me!! She’s family 🙂 I already bought the table for our future apartment (picture attached)

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yes that’s a table and it’s the coolest thing ever. I bought it at the Emporium in West Branch if you’re looking for something like that! 🙂

I really don’t know what else to say other than I’m glad to know there are other people who feel this way too. A lot of students are thinking “holy shit, this is the real world.” This is a time of transition for all of us, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Believe me, there are still days I feel alone but in the end I know I’m not. Kiana is tough, she will remind me I’m being stupid when I tell her I wanna cry. “Suck it up you’re fine.” 😉

I’ll be able to tell you a lot more on Thursday night after I have spent a night and day there.  I have no idea how I will feel at that point. (Probably hot because no air conditioning)

I’m just so excited to go and start this adventure, but I am terrified of what the future hold.

My next post I will tell you my future plans. The reason I’m going through all this and where I hope to be someday!

Thanks for all the support,

Until next time–

xoxo

Self Image.

Self Image.

This is a huge problem for our society. Many people (including myself) struggle with this. Often people look in the mirror and point out all the flaws that they see in themselves.

Too many freckles. Frizzy hair. Flat hair. Glasses. Extra skin. Wide shoulders. Big hands.

The list goes on forever. I guarantee if I asked you to look in the mirror and tell me something about yourself, the first thing you would tell me is something negative. Most people have such a negative connotation about themselves.

When I was going through my roughest times, I found myself eating. A lot of people go through this same thing.. It’s a human thing. Stress eating is so great– or not. I had always been thin. People always commented on how flat my stomach was. I really didn’t even notice I had gained wait until 40 pounds later. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not obese but I am not as thin as I used to be. It would be beneficial to lose a couple pounds. So that’s what I’m doing! I’m doing Farrell’s eXtreme Body Shaping. (*Disclaimer*: I am in no way trying to sell Farrell’s or talk you into doing it. Nor am I trying to turn you away from it. I am simply telling my story.)

Anyway. I had been doing Farrell’s for 5 weeks, and I get asked about 10 times a day if I like it. I’m not sure I would use the word like. I really don’t enjoy working out everyday until I feel like throwing up. Yeah I feel better about myself afterwords, and I can tell I am getting results, but it sucks. Eating healthy is hard, but it’s going to be worth it. I know it.

(I promise this story is going to help make my point, I’m not just talking out my ass.)

But, my wise people from Farrell’s reminded me that this is a journey to form habits. After the end of my 10 week session, I won’t want to eat like crap anymore. I’m finally realizing how much better I feel when I eat healthy. How much more energy I have. I’m doing this journey for me. To help improve my self image. There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing results and knowing all the hard work is paying off. The small victories are the best. Noticing your pants are a little more lose is a great feeling.

I’m doing this for me. Because I deserve to feel good about myself again. I deserve to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. YOU DESERVE THAT TOO.

The moral of the story, is work on you. Do what it takes to be happy with what you see in the mirror. Realize that those small things you dislike about yourself can go away with a change in mentality. You have to embrace those things about yourself, because that’s what makes you, you! Those tiny imperfections make you perfect to someone. You are worth feeling good about yourself, even if it means changing your lifestyle.

Take the time to look in the mirror and accept yourself. Self image is 100% mental. You have to tell your brain that this is who you are and it’s not going to change. Sure, you can change things such as your weight, or your hair color, but your features will remain the same. Your personality is what makes you who you are, not what you see in the mirror.

Never pretend to be something you aren’t. Do not try to please others and change your personality. Please yourself, because this is your life. You are the one you have to live with everyday. The second you figure yourself out, accept you for who you are and quit pretending to be something you’re not, is when you will find peace with yourself.

If you wear sweatpants everyday, and don’t even own a pair of jeans; good for you! If you wear dresses everyday, and wouldn’t be caught dead in sweatpants; good for you! What you wear doesn’t define who you are. Personally, I am an advocate in jeans and a T-shirt. I strongly believe if someone truly likes me, they won’t care what I’m wearing. Clothes are superficial, personality is what makes someone fall in love.

Makeup is another huge topic when it comes to self image. I will be the first to tell you I feel better about myself when I’m wearing eyeliner and mascara but that’s all I wear. I have never been one to wear foundation or anything else but if you do that’s okay. Of course I want you to be happy with yourself without makeup on and embrace your bare face, but if wearing makeup makes you feel better about yourself, screw what anyone else says. Wear foundation and bright blue eyeshadow if you want too. This is your life, and you have to do what it takes to make yourself happy. If putting on makeup everyday makes you look in the mirror and be happy with what you see, it’s worth it. You should accept what you look like without it on, but it’s 100% okay to wear it. You can’t let other people’s opinion dictate what you do with your life, and with yourself. You have to do this for you. Many people think girls (or guys) wear makeup to please other people, but I bet if you asked anyone why they wear it, they do it for themselves.

You will never love someone else if you don’t love yourself first. Take the time to love you before you worry about finding someone else. The right person will come when it’s time, so until then work on yourself and being happy with who you are. You were made the way you are for a reason. Embrace every small imperfection. You are amazing.

Until next time–

xoxo

Quickly.

Hello friends–

Recently, I have realized more than ever that things can change in a blink of an eye.

Literally anything can change.

You can be diagnosed with an illness.

You can lose a friend.

You can lose a loved one.

You can move to a new place.

Your life can do a 360 in a few seconds.

This is unavoidable. Because that’s how life is.

Life is unpredictable but fair. Life is fair because its unfair to everyone. (think about that one)

I truly started to realize this when I found out my grandpa was being admitted to hospice with 72 hours left to live. I have never felt a feeling like that before. Seeing him in a hospital bed, unable to talk and on medicine so strong he was basically a zombie. You don’t know pain until you see someone you love dying. It’s the type of pain you feel in your bones. He has cancer, as many of you know, but I didn’t realize how serious it was. It seemed like in the same second he was admitted to hospice, he did a total 360 and was released for hospice and was 100% better. That was also when I realized you have to truly cherish those close to you every minute of the day. Totally cliche but its so true. PS. If you ever pick up a cigarette, talk to me and I’ll tell you who you’re an idiot.

Lets talking about losing a friend. I’m not talking about death. I’m talking about realizing someone you care about does not care about you. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s truly a horrible feeling. Realizing after all this time of being there for them, they never truly cared back about you. When you lose a friend, you lose part of yourself. Someone you have told everything for so long but it ended abruptly over something so small. If something small can end a friendship of a long time, it never truly was a great friendship. It’s horrible watching one of your best friends crying because one of their friends decided to up and abandon them. You want to punch that other person in the face. I will never understand how people can pretend to care about someone for so long. When you realize you are treating someone way better than they treat you, that’s when its time to change.

You can get news that changes everything. Recently, a few people I know have received life changing news. Being diagnosed with cancer, or having an unexpected health problem, can flip your world upside down. I think people often take their health for granted. I am so lucky to be in good health. There are so many people fighting for their lives right now, but I am sitting here with perfect health typing to you guys. I hope tonight you realize how lucky you are to be here right now. Many people are robbed of the chance to live the rest of their lives, but I have to remember God has a plan.

I pray nothing bad ever happens to anyone, but of course that’s not feasible. Life doesn’t work like that.

You can’t live life in fear, but you can remember to cherish what you have.

If you have a roof over your head, and you have food in your fridge … you have more than a lot of people.

I hope tonight you realize how lucky you are to have what you have. I often forget to thank God for everything I have and focus on what I have rather than what I don’t have. A lot of people are like that… its a human thing. (being a human is exhausting)

(Next blog post will be happier, I promise.)

I love you all. Thank you so much for all the support and positive feedback you have given me.

Until next time–

xoxo

13 Days.

Hello fellow readers,

My last two posts have had sort of a negative connotation but this one is going to be happy—er. 🙂

Instead of tell you all the reason I’m going to hate college, I’m going to share the reasons I’m actually going! Smart, huh?

Well let me start here with a little background. I went to a small school, most of you know this, my whole life. I graduated with 50 some. So, pretty small. All my years in high school, I thought I had the best friends a girl could ask for and at the time, they were exactly what I needed! Quickly after graduating I realized those people weren’t my “friends” they were there with me 5 or more days a week. People that I grew up with.. People that had to be around me. Honestly, the biggest thing I am so excited for is to find people who genuinely want to be around me. People who pick to hangout with me and are not forced to be with me all day everyday. It is one of the most mind-blowing thing that I will be around people who actually like my presence. I will have friends that like me for me and that is one of the most motivating things ever. I get to find my friends that will be in my life forever, and I can’t wait.

After spending so much time with the same people, you try to fit in. I realize now I spent a whole lot of time being someone I’m not to try to fit in. But, who hasn’t? I’m so excited to finally be myself in college. I’m so ready to finally figure out who I am, and not have to work to please anyone. I am on the road to discover myself, and its a beautiful road paved with diamonds but I know it will have its cracks and imperfections.

–you can tell I’m very metaphorical–

I can finally have independence. Believe me, it BLOWS my mind that in 2 short weeks I won’t have to ask my mom if I can go to a movie with my friend, or have a friend stay over. Please don’t get me wrong, I would not trade my parents for the world. They are just being great parents. They know, just as well as I do, is that I need this independence. I have relied on my family for so much throughout my whole life, this is the little push I need to finally figure things out for myself. Of course I will want to come home every weekend and see my family, but I know this is what I need. This is what is going to make the difference. (Don’t worry mom, I’ll text you everyday:)

It took me a while to finally figure out what I want to do with my future, but now that I know I can not WAIT to get started. I’m so ready to take classes that pertain to my future, not just classes to pass high school. Every class is one step closer to becoming a teacher and I cannot wait for that day. I know I will make a bad ass teacher, I’m just very impatient.

I’m just ready for this change in my life. Like I said before, I have been with the same people since diapers. I have loved my time with them, but its time for all of us to move on. We have made many great memories, but its time to go make new ones. I feel like I have been stuck in cement for the past few years and I’m finally freeing myself and taking my first steps on my own again. I am ready to find myself, and be who I know I am capable of being.

I know this change will be hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done– but I have to keep reminding myself that this is going to be worth it. I need this change. Maybe this will be the key to unlock so many things keeping my chained down. Who know what can happen. I have to really think about the positives. Clearly my list of the things I’m scared for is slightly longer than the reasons I’m excited– but this list reminds me why I’m doing this. I’m doing this for me, and no one else. I deserve a new start, and that’s exactly what I am getting on August 19th.

Until next time–

xoxo

“You can’t start a new chapter in your life if you keep rereading the old one.”

15 Days.

Welcome back!

So, theres 15 days until I move out of my house and into a college dorm room about an hour and a half away. Now some of you may be thinking that this isn’t very far, and I will be fine but my brain is not rational like that.

I will be the first one to admit I am a mommy and daddy’s girl. I haven’t been away from them for more than a week. They are my best friends and I am really nervous about leaving them. Not only that, but they have been with me and been my support system every step of the way in my journey to figure out my mental health. Leaving them makes me think I will completely “relapse” and fall into the hole again. Rational Alyssa knows that I will be fine, and that I can do this BUT Irrational Alyssa only thinks about every possible thing that could go wrong.

I know that this will be good for me, and if you asked me today I would tell you I am super excited! I went shopping at Target and bought a lot of cute things for the dorm; so today I’m excited. Now, if you ask me tomorrow it may be a different story. Everyday is different in my head.

To be honest, when I picture college, I do not picture parties and making friends– as a normal teenage girl would. Instead, when I picture my first night in college– it is me sitting on my bed crying all night. Begging to go home. How pathetic, right?!?! Rational Alyssa knows that this is ridiculous and not going to happen at all. But Irrational Alyssa scoffs at Rational Alyssa and says “bitch, what do you know?” Most days Irrational Alyssa speaks a lot louder than Rational Alyssa. (NO I do NOT have MPD:)

I’m more than lucky to have my best friend and cousin as a roommate. I can’t even express how much knowing my roommate has dwindled my anxiety down. We are so excited to do this together, and I am beyond happy to know she’s there for me. Of course I know my family is a phone call away, and if I really need to go home– it’s only an hour and a half. Rational Alyssa sees 90 minutes but Irrational Alyssa sees 3 days.

Another worry about college is the fact I have grueling social anxiety. Costco used to give me panic attacks because of all the people. LOL! But medicine has helped that some, but there still are situations that make me really anxious. Not knowing people around me scares the shit out of me, to be honest. Kiana thinks I’m joking when I tell her we are going everywhere together, but little does she know I’m 100% not joking. Rational Alyssa wants to make friends, get out and find new people and build a new me! But Irrational Alyssa wants to sit in the dorm, read a book, and look at pictures of my cat.

Let me tell you about Charlie and Daisy. My whole world. (yes, they’re my cats.) You know therapy pets? The ones people have to help calm down others when they are freaking out, (whether a panic attack or whatever else)? Thats what Charlie and Daisy are to me–without the fancy training and vest. I will tell you until I’m blue in the face that they know when I’m upset. One of them will come to my room and lay on my chest and purr until I fall asleep. It’s science that cat’s purrs makes people feel better. And I’m sorry, but Kiana just isn’t going to cut it. She won’t quite fit on my chest, and I don’t know how well she can purr. Charlie and Daisy are seriously one of the things I will miss the most. Hands down. They have been with me through everything, just as my family. Welcome to my life; Separation Anxiety 101.

(Just a side note, General Hospital is a horrible show. @Kiana)

So like I said, today I’m excited but tomorrow is a different day. I have to take everyday one at a time! Please don’t tell me, “You’ll be alright,” or “Don’t be so worried,” or whatever else you may think will help cheer me up. I seriously appreciate the effort, but that doesn’t help. Rational Alyssa tells Irrational Alyssa those things daily, but she doesn’t listen. If I can’t listen to myself, it’s hard as hell to listen to others. I hope you understand. 🙂 The best thing you can do for me, is to tell me you’ll be there for me. ❤ I appreciate all of you.

Until next time–

xoxo

First Things First.

Hello, and welcome to my blog!

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I love writing. 🙂

I think it is my best choice to start off this blog with my explanation, purpose, background, validation, and whatever else comes to my mind.

I’ll start with my explanation. This is a blog about what I have been through while fighting depression, and anxiety. I feel as though sharing my story will not only help others see that they aren’t alone, but also help me express myself. I guess we both win.. in theory.

I intend to talk about my day to day life and what I do, or have done to help cope with my mental illness… whatever else crosses my mind. Usually I think about a blog idea at about 12 am, which is the time right now. I hope that if I can help one person in any way, that my story and struggle with be worth it. I feel as though what I have gone through, can help others realize that its okay to have powers. (I’m going to call depression/anxiety “powers” because I hate the stigma behind the “mental illness” people often jump to conclusions.) Having these powers is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes telling your story can be the key to someone else’s lock they are trying to bust out of. I also want people to understand depression isn’t being sad, or “emo,” sometimes its the happiest people who are struggling the most.

ANYWAY. I’ll get started with my background, and why you should listen to me.

It started when I was in middle school. I constantly felt ran down, no energy, felt alone, blah blah blah. Pretty much what every teenager goes through when they are reaching puberty and middle school years. I didn’t realize at the time that what I was feeling wouldn’t go away. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy like those other kids– which I still struggle with today, honestly– but in middle school it made no sense to me. I didn’t have the courage to tell my mom what I had been feeling. Of course, I looked up online what it meant to be sad all the time, and took a few online quizzes and diagnosed myself. (I HIGHLY recommend you never do this– with any ailment you think you may have.) I really didn’t know how to tell her. Around other people, I had always been the funny ones. Cracking jokes, making others laugh. I thought she wouldn’t believe me, and tell me I was overreacting. But when I finally worked up the courage to tell her, she was awesome about it. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing family who will always support me. I didn’t actually end up telling her until my freshman year when things seemed to drop lower. I figured it was time that something was done. We went to my normal doctor, and when we started talking– I instantly broke down. Right then and there I realized this wasn’t something I could deal with on my own– I needed help.

Getting help was the best decision I have ever made. It saved my life. I can honestly sit here and say I would not be here if I wouldn’t have made that first step by telling someone what I was going through. It’s okay to not be okay.

Ever since then, I was referred to a psychologist who would really be able to help me out and get me headed in the right direction. They started me on medicine right away, which seemed to help a little bit.

Let me tell you a little bit about medication. I, still to this day, struggle with taking my medication. I HATE relying on medicine to make me happy, or normal. But I have to tell myself that its okay to use medicine. Someone with high cholesterol has to rely on medicine to keep them alive, just as I have relied on my medicine to keep me going. Never be ashamed to be on medicine– there’s always a chance you won’t have to be on it forever. You can learn to cope with your powers without using medicine. But my medicine has been a huge battle. Trying to find the right stuff, the kind that worked the best, the right dosage, and everything else, was a huge hassle. To this day, my medicine keeps changing while I try to find myself and be the happiest I can be. No two people are the same, and no one will react the same to every medicine. It takes time and patience to get the correct dosage, and really begin your road to recovery.

I just graduated from high school in May, so I have been dealing with my powers for about 6 years. I went through a lot of crap my high school years, and you couldn’t give me a million dollars to go back and do it again, but I made it through. My stories about high school are for a different day, because that’s not the point. The point is that I survived. I’m here to tell you that you can get through anything.

Now, I’ll tell you right now that I’m not a doctor (obviously), I don’t know everything, I just know what I’ve been through. What you’re going through may not be the exact same, but if one thing helps you through a small bump in your road, it makes it all worth it. I truly believe everything I have gone through has lead me here– to help others. I’ve been through hell, and I don’t want anyone else to go through the same.

Lastly, I’ll tell you about my name– I chose the name “My story isn’t over” because of a movement called the “Semicolon Movement.” A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but continued going. Just like life, it could have ended but I continued to keep going. Someone commits suicide every 6 seconds– which is a terrifying statistic. Check out the website about the movement for anymore questions. http://www.projectsemicolon.com

Your story isn’t over, its just beginning. Stay strong. You can do this.

Until next time. ❤

xoxo

Below, I put the suicide hotline link for everyone. You can live chat with anyone, or simply call the number to talk to someone. It’s a great way to talk to someone without judgement, and just get reassurance you matter. Always remember you matter.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

“Even your toughest days are only 24 hours.”